“Quit yelling at me!”I was frustrated. Pressed for time. Trying to get Molly out of the door for school on time and then to an appointment I had 40 minutes away.
But I wasn’t yelling. I was just using a "firm voice." A “firm voice” is so much better – it denotes a controlled seriousness. AM I RIGHT?!! (Oops, I wasn't yelling at you, was I?)
Molly, for one, wasn’t buying it.
Me: I’m NOT yelling. I’m being very calm. (I said through clenched teeth.)
Molly: Yes, but you have that tone.
Me: What "tone"? (I said with sarcastic impatience).
Molly: It’s that voice you use. The voice that means, “I’m really frustrated with you and I want to tear your head off, but I’m trying really hard to hold myself back.”
Wow. Ouch.
Her words hit me like a dagger. I thought back to how many times I had used that “tone” without knowing what it was really conveying to her and probably to her brother as well.
It wasn’t what I intended to convey. Yes, I was frustrated with them, but mainly I was stressed. Thinking of all I had to do. Not wanting to be late. Feeling the pressure of obligation.
But, as children are prone to do, Molly internalized all those emotions and assumed that she was the sole object and reason for my displeasure.
But exposing a wound always provides an opportunity for healing.
I asked Molly for forgiveness – not only for that morning, but for the many times I’d hurt her with my tone. That I didn’t realize the depth of what "that voice" conveyed to her. I also promised to remember this the next time I was frustrated.
And she accepted and responded softly herself.
Amazing what striking the right tone can do.
A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. Proverbs 15:1 (NLT)
Thank you for your honest posts! You always motivate me to work harder at my parenting!
ReplyDeleteStopping by from SITS and wishing you a great week! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for this! It's really important for me to be aware of what my tone sounds like to others... my daughter and my husband.
ReplyDeleteOh Melinda. Been there, done that. I wish I could figure out a way to express my frustration without all that internalizing on her part!
ReplyDeleteMy daughter misinterprets me often--but that is not her fault, but mine. ugh.
thanks for the reminder.
Tone definitely conveys a lot... and that can be a bad thing sometimes.
ReplyDeleteIt is something I have to work with at times (usually with my husband).
Thank you Melinda. Having been convicted of the same this week, I receive it as confirmation on something I NEED to be more attentive to! Kind of reminds me of that commercial where the woman has a doggy day care. I believe it is for carpet cleaner and she tells one of the dogs to "use your inside voice." LOL Love you and thanks again!
ReplyDeleteThat sounds like a typical argument in my house, but not so much between me and my parents as between me and my husband. He doesn't understand "tone," whereas my parents used to warn me all the time to watch mine.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the reminder. It's just as valuable in a marriage as in parenting, I think.
I agree, Victoria! Yes, after I realized the tone I was using with Molly, I caught myself using that same tone with my husband later. Bottom Line: NOBODY likes it! ;0)
ReplyDeleteBut how do we not use that tone? I use it all the time. I know I shouldn't, but sometimes it is the truth:)
ReplyDeleteOh, Melinda, to swallow the frustration of the moment and "hear" Molly is a hard thing. I applaud you. Blessings**
ReplyDeleteGood for you for responding softly. I tend to get defensive, as in "well I wouldn't have this tone if you'd hurry up!" I can see how that kind of response doesn't work, but the kind you tried did. Great example, I hope I remember this next time I have "The Tone"
ReplyDeleteNice to know I'm not the only parent who does this. Very cool that you have open communication that allowed her to share her feelings.
ReplyDeleteI think I've discovered the key to leaving comments on your blog...but I don't want to jinx myself by telling!
ReplyDeleteI love your daughter's interpretation. I probably would've said something smart to my teen son, like "You're right."
But I understand what you are trying to say. I've found my kids respond better with me laughing or saying something humorous, which in turns helps me to laugh and relax. I learned this from how my husband and his parents handle these things.
My family was way too Type A personality about life.
This is so true. I often find myself using "that tone" as my husband calls it and have to stop myself constantly.
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ReplyDeletehttp://thepracticalmomguide.blogspot.com/2010/02/blog-awards-ii.html
Oh man I've done that with the boys too, sometimes I try to be calm but man I fail hard. Always good to take a deeper look at myself.
ReplyDeleteThanks!
Oh...thanks for sharing...its a timely reminder for me...guess I've to check what my tone is like when I speak to my girl..my husband & even my parents..
ReplyDeleteYou bless me all the time...and I just wanted to let you know that. I heart you. ;-)
ReplyDelete