"You hate me!"If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard those words in my house, my bank account would be recession-proof.
If the same applied to “It’s not fair!” and “You don’t understand!”, you’d be lookin’ at the next Bill Gates.
Apparently, the older my children get, the more emotionally and intellectually challenged I become.
The latest evidence? Last weekend, my 13-year-old daughter wanted to go to the fair with her friend.
Molly: Yea, you can just drop us off and pick us up around 10 p.m.
Me: Umm, no.
Molly: No?! Are you going to go around with us and hold our hands?! Please, mom, no!! You don’t understand! We want our independence!
Mike (Dad): Here’s the deal. Either mom and I or another adult is going or you can’t go.
Molly: Other adults will be there.
Me: Yes, Molly, I know. We’re not talking about random adults who also happen to be going to the fair.
Molly: Oh, come on!
Kids assume love means getting their way. All the time.
My husband said recently, “A lot of times, I think it’s hard for her (Molly) to feel like we love her because a lot of what we do doesn’t feel like love.”
Quite frankly, love is a battlefield.
Sometimes I feel weak – not up to the fight. But retreat is not an option. One day my kids will be glad I did battle.
Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. And do everything with love.
1 Corinthians 16:13-14
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You are so right! That's the hard part of parenting - doing things that the kid's don't like and feels "unloving" when the boundaries we give are one of the most loving and secure things we can do for them.
ReplyDeleteHang in there! My parents were STRICT and I LOVE them to pieces and sing their praises all the time! I am so thankful they went the distance with me and kept boundaries - now I see they saved me from a lot of heartache and natural consequences.
Courtney
http://www.womenlivingwell-courtney.blogspot.com
Wiser words were never spoken. I too would be a very rich woman if I had some cold hard cash for those statements.
ReplyDeleteYour fighting the good fight. Hang in there.
True words here, Melinda.
ReplyDeleteAlthough my 14 yr old daughter ALWAYS wants to hear yes, I think secretly she appreciates when her dad and I make a decision and establish FIRM boundaries, then stick with them. At least, that's what I tell myself. LOL
In the meantime, I pray. And pray.
Sticking to my guns with you,
Julie :)
Well... I "look forward" to that. Not. Hayden is only 3-year-old right now, but I know it will only get worse, much worse. It will definitely be a journey.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely! My daughter hasn't pushed the independence boundaries too much, but yet, we have the same reactions to other things.
ReplyDeleteYour hubby is right--what we do doesn't feel like love to them all the time. I need to focus on depositing the felt-love at times I can, in ways that she understands...so when those other go-to-the-fair times come up--the love-tank won't be on empty.
Easier said than done, huh?
Hang in there, friend!
You are so right! My mom was NOT strict with me at all and I regret many things from my teenage years. She gave me WAY too much freedom and I had to suffer for it. (Not that it was all her fault, because I knew a lot of things I did were wrong but did them anyway.) After having a child of my own I determined to also go to battle out of love. Thanks for sharing!!
ReplyDeleteYou know...as many bad memories as I have from childhood...I have so many good ones. For every time my parents did something I didn't like...I now understand that there was a reason...now that I have children of my own more than ever. I hated them for it then...but I'm thankful for it now...and I think I turned out OK.
ReplyDeleteNot sure how you feel about this or do things around your house but here we are big on explaining precisely WHY we do things. It's not that we feel obligated...but we both feel that our children will have a better grasp of things. We don't get into gory details (about things like WHY they can't walk around the fair alone) but we do tell them things we feel are appropriate for their age/maturity level.
How true this is!! I remember these battles with my son and am dreading them with my daughter. At the same time I know they are necessary for us to let go and for them to mature!! Thanks for your great words and the scripture reference is perfect!
ReplyDeleteOh, how I've been battling lately. Since when does it start before they're even ten years old? Somedays it's so exhausting and then I question myself. I praise God there are others around who can support me when I feel weak. ~Sara
ReplyDeleteSo glad I'm not the only one fighting the battle! And yes, Dawn, you are so right! I am trying hard to show her love in ways she DOES understand to help balance the "fair episodes." She asked me to take her to a movie tonight -- just me and her -- so perhaps I'm not the enemy all the time! ;0)
ReplyDeleteI'm not looking forward to those battles. It's hard enough now, with my little ones.
ReplyDeleteI think it takes a lot of time and distance for kids to see that we do things out of love.
Ouch!
ReplyDeleteSweet'ums has never said those words, but sometimes I think she must be screaming it at us in her own little 2 year old way.
I completely agree about showing love through rules and boundaries. My parents were strict, and I didn't get to do many of the things that I wanted to. I never accused them of not loving me, but it's so much more obvious now just how much they do (and did) love me. They helped me avoid so much heartache as a kid, and if that isn't love I don't know what is.
Keep fighting--she'll appreciate it one day.
Loving todays REAL post!! Even though our monetary terms are different here in NZ our honarary millionaire status would be exactly the same!!! Stand strong -your children will one day call you bless-ed :)
ReplyDeleteYes! Parenting is so danged hard - but, later on good parenting pays off--heck, even pretty good parenting can pay off *laugh* --
ReplyDeleteWow this was a great post! I loved your closing statement. I wanted to expound on it but found that I had way to much to say in a comment, so I decided to write a post about in.
ReplyDeleteCheck it out at http://womanofproof.blogspot.com
I've been lurking on your blog for a while now but just felt the need to comment, even though I don't have any kids and I'm nowhere close to having a teenager!
ReplyDeleteBut I was a teenager and it wasn't that long ago. My mom was a single parent raising my brother and me and my brother was a pistol to my mother. They got into some of the worst arguments over everything. He thought the world of my dad (who was basically a dead-beat dad who didn't do anything to support us or even take care of us) and would constantly threaten to move in with him (which would never happen, since he could barely support himself!)
But we're older now and just a few years ago, my brother apologized to my mom for everything bad he ever said about her. He came to realize she was the only one who truly was looking out for him, even when it felt like she was just being overprotective. And that apology meant the world to my mom.
I'm not sure this is the same situation you are in but I thought I'd share this story with you.
Preach on, Melinda. You do what God tells you to with your children. You're saving them heartache.
ReplyDeleteYep. You said it. "I love you enough to make you hate me (for the moment)."
ReplyDeleteMy little girl is 9 and I feel this phase of our life creeping in...ever so slowly. I pray that God will either allow her to skip that "battlefield" stage or give me the grace and patience to handle it.
ReplyDeleteIt is nice to know that it's a challenge all parents face. We are not alone.
Love your blog; love your wisdom.
Erin
As the mother of a teenaged girl (14!), I know exactly what you mean. Whew!
ReplyDeleteStand firm and show you're love.
Oh man I remember my mom saying things like that but now I can so see it having kids now.
ReplyDeleteLove the scripture :)