It had to be a mistake.
Micah, my 9-year-old-son, had barely gotten into the van last week after school when he blurted out, “They had the spelling bee tryouts today to go to districts and I didn’t make it.”
What?! Not sending my son to the district spelling bee? Oh, no you didn’t. Micah had WON the district spelling bee two years in a row! And the previous year’s winner had always gotten an automatic qualification the next year. I could smell the injustice.
I put on my "Crazed Stage Mom" hat, parked the car and marched into the school. My son not making the spelling bee?! Ludicrous, I tell you!
I wanted an explanation. A mom on a mission can be a frightening thing. I finally found a school official who explained that it’s the teacher’s choice whether or not to automatically send last year’s winner. It was not an official "rule." Micah’s teacher chose to make him re-qualify and he didn’t. It was as simple as that.
After my heart rate returned to normal and I regained my senses, this mom discovered something rather disturbing about herself. I wasn’t just disappointed for Micah (who was taking it far better than I was, I might add). I was more disappointed for me. Yikes. A part of me enjoyed the “reflected glory,” being the mom of the “smartest” kid.
I asked myself, "Who’s more invested in this, him or me?"
To channel a little Carly Simon, “I’m so vain. I probably think this Bee is about me.”
Encouraging and being proud of our kids’ accomplishments is one thing. Tying even a small part of our self-esteem to them is quite another.
I rebounded and told Micah I was proud of the boy he was – Bee or no Bee. And that I was impressed with his mature reaction to the disappointment. (Don’t you hate it when your kid is the grownup?)
Hopefully, I’ll deal with my issues before next month’s Math Olympics. If not, it could spell T-R-O-U-B-L-E.
I really do enjoy reading your blogs* They are always "real" and very helpful, even if our situations are different!!
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to be the "mature one" sometimes isn't it? I'm glad that he took it well and that you were able to learn something in that situation. It's hard to learn new lessons...sometimes we are our own worst enemy!
ReplyDeleteI completely understand! I have to stop myself from comparing Maddy to other babies! I know they develop differently but it is hard to not feel good about myself when I see her doing something before other kids her age or older! I think I should definitely be proud of her but whether she does something early or late shouldn't determine what I think of myself!! What a great post!!!
ReplyDeleteWe find ourselves defending our children so that "justice" is served when we are actually looking for affirmation for ourselves. If as a parent you did not set them up to succeed (even when you do) we seek the satisfaction of hearing that it wasn't our fault or that we did everything we could.
ReplyDeleteAs always Melinda - thanks for sharing. Now I just got to get this Carly Simon song out of my head.
On the one hand, it's a bit mean of them to "suggest" that there's a rule about a free pass, and then change it. On the other hand, I can see that it's good for the other kids to get a turn....
ReplyDeleteI'm glad he's okay with it, anyway.
This is sooooo true! I used to roll my eyes in disgust at these sport moms until I had a daughter win all the time in track. I become obsessed! Eventually it did mean more to me than her. I look back now and have good memories of this wonderful time in both of our lives but know a lot more now about myself.
ReplyDeleteOh no! Yeah that would be hard on a Mama :) Funny what bugs us & not them :) Parenting is always teaching us isn't it! Yeah for him for winning the last 2 years though! That is awesome!
ReplyDeleteOh Melinda..My children are 50 and 48 and still this feeling erupts at times. Any mother surely relates to this feeling. As the mother of a basketball "star" I relate to this so well. Why would they ever take my child or my grandson out of a ballgame? :-)
ReplyDeleteDoing a great job with post. See you at conference. Clella
Micah! VK's brother's name :-)
ReplyDeleteDo you ever watch The Middle? That new show - sometimes it's better than other times, but, this scenario so reminded me of an episode of The Middle! *laughing!*
You know, I do this all the time, and my kids are so young. I try to remind myself not to live vicariously and jsut support them. My mom was always angry about the things I suceeded in because it wasn't what SHE wanted me to succeed in. I don't want to do that to my kids.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I think you're way ahead of the game because you realize this. You know it. We all do it. It's just a matter of being 'mature'
Melinda, I had to chuckle. Been there. My son in sports....my daughter in Karate.... I admire you for owning up to that! Have a good week!
ReplyDeleteLOL. You're so Vain. I don't think I will ever listen to that song the same again :-)
ReplyDeleteKiran
Thanks so much for sharing! I'm sure more than one of us moms can relate!! Ah, the injustice of it all...or is it? :)
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Mimi here from MBC
I think you've hit the nail on the head about why so many parents are so invested in the achievements of their children. If their child doesn't succeed at something the parents take it as a personal failure--and it shouldn't be that way. And of course, the Mama Bear in all of us wants to defend our kids against all disappointment, too. In many women it's a volatile combination.
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone--my mom is still this way, and really, most moms I know are. I'm not quite there yet, but just wait till my baby hits school!
I'm sorry he didn't make it to the spelling bee but I hope his grades stay up and he finds something else to be involved in!
Wow. Your son is pretty smart! I used to love to participate in spelling bees.
ReplyDeleteAs parents, we want for our children to succeed and do great things. I've always been told that the worst thing we can do for our child is have a low expectation for them.
It was good that you were able to do some self examination to see what your true motives were. I think that if we all looked a little closer within, we may find some of that within ourselves too.
Wonderful post! Thanks for visiting my blog. I'm going to send you an email to answer your questions! I'm also going to become a follower of your blog and of your tweets. Have a great weekend!
rotfl. We can learn humility through our children.
ReplyDelete